Everything's changing, isn't it? I don't know for sure. Maybe it won't. Maybe everything will be the same. But I have this strange gut feeling that the moment I said goodbye, the moment I left everything behind, my life was about to change. And I don't know..maybe its because of the fact that this school has meant so much to me that just leaving it makes me feel like nothing will ever be the same again. And that makes me sad. Because this school made me happy. Annoyed me, yes. But cheered me up too every once in a while. And now that I realise that I might not have some of my closest friends with me, I think it's going to take me some time to adjust to everything. But I don't want to. I don't want to leave.

Can we stop time, please?

I really want all of this to be a dream. Because I remember, back when I was little girl, how I badly wanted to leave everything behind and go to a new place and forget every bad memory I've had here. Little girl problems, y'know, everything embarrassed me so much.

But now look at me, almost 9 years later, wanting time to stop for a while so that I can enjoy these little moments that are going to mean a lot to me in the future. But I am afraid that's not possible because life as we know it, is passing by way too fast. I mean, I started this blog 2 years ago?! 2 years?! In grade 9th? Woah. What? How? How didn't I notice time flying by as quickly as it could.

And now that its time to say goodbye to the one place I have loved more than anything, I don't think I have the heart in me to do so. I don't want to do this. I don't want to say goodbye. I am sorry, but I think all of this 'a goodbye means a hello' or 'its a new beginning' is nothing but crap. Because I don't think any place is going to mean this much to me. Because I don't think I'll ever find a family like this ever again.

I am going to miss everything so much. I am going to miss the school uniform. I am going to miss the school badges. I am going to miss fighting over which house was the best and backing up green house until the very end, even though it was always in the last place. I am going to miss the crappy school song, no matter how annoying it was. I am going to miss all the dance steps we used to do on this song when we were little. I am going to miss going through these black gates every August and having feelings of extreme excitement. I am going to miss all the house meetings, no matter how horrible they were to endure. I am going to miss all the literary association meetings, even though all they were, were an excuse to talk to your friends and waste time in the worst way possible. I am going to miss the corridors from where we could see the entire school building. I am going to miss the snobby prefects and head girls, who would think they're a God's gift to this world. I am going to miss the election days when we would shout and scream and collect all of the badges like crazy and be the most happy we've been in a long time. I am going to miss bake and sale days. I am going to miss the happy birthdays and annoying every teacher in grade 9th. I am going to miss Hina and Sarah and I am going to miss all the stupid memories I have shared with them and all our stupid jokes and laughing like crazy and getting scolded on the craziest of things. I am going to miss grade 8th and making fun of everyone possible. I am going to miss tale of two cities days when we would pretend that we were the characters. I am going to miss whining about how hard it is. I am going to miss days when prefect duty was nothing but a way to chill and be alone for a while. I am going to miss the day we went to Ma'am Aliya's office to get scolded on something so trivial and stupid one would actually facepalm seven million times. I am going to miss the day I slapped Saba and she tried to hold back her tears and I was left feeling guilty. I am going to miss Saba and Maheen and every single freaking moment I have spent with them because they were the ones who made these 3 years bearable and much easier. I am going to miss our laughs, our spontaneous plans, our weird friendship, our parhakuness, our whines (I am going to miss that a lot). I am going to miss Maheen and her so called dramay. I am going to miss her so so so much. I am going to miss our chats in P.E while saba plays badminton and I am going to miss convincing them to bunk with me. I am going to miss grade 10th and 11th and tata and bata group. I am going to miss our annoying class that made me want to kill myself or strangle them. I am going to miss talking to miss Nadia like we're her best friends or something(annoyed her till the very end, oh yes we did) and I am going to miss going to the staff room like its my second home. EDIT: I am going to miss Mushk's super philosophical mind that always left you speechless. I am going to miss her arguements. I am going to miss her self obsessed self. I am going to miss the bongiyaan she, Farwa and Areesha would do..about me and Sidra. I am going to miss Farwa's billion nicknames for me. I am going to miss Areesha and her way of minding every single thing. I am going to miss her childishness. I am going to miss discussing Math with her. I am going to miss Sidra's 'Marwa, english copy check karke de dou.' I am going to miss Alina's never ending dramay and her hyperness.
I...just don't know what I'll do without the city school by my side. 

So its time to say goodbye and all that crap, but I am not going to do that. I am not going to say goodbye with a smile and be excited for the new beginning. Because I know that no matter what happens, city school will always be there to welcome me. And I'll forever call myself a citizen. So no goodbyes for me. 

(Also my new school will be pretty horrible and I am going to rant about its horribleness a lot on this blog so you better look forward to it)

Even when you've completely shitty days and you feel uttely pathetic and useless and you feel like there's no place for you in this world, that you're a loser, there comes a day like this. A day when you feel so good you can't describe it in words. A day so great when you feel like you're genuinely smiling after a long time. And its funny, how the one person who cheered me up so easily, without even knowing how I feel at the moment, used to mean a lot to me. But whatever. I am just eternally grateful for all the people I have in my life right now, no matter how close we are. Days like this make everything okay again. Thank you for that lovely conversation. It meant a lot to me.

Somethings just make you a bit more happier than usual. And its kind if weird y'know, because you didn't really expect to feel happy..rather, the complete opposite. But you do. I do. And I don't want it to end. Even if it means doing things I don't usually like, it makes me happy. It makes me laugh. It makes my day when I am feeling low. So just small token of appreciation for all the people I'm talking about, the crazy ones, the absolutely insane ones, the sweet ones and  of course, the people I consider my friends now. Thank you being making me laugh till my stomach hurts, you guys. This year has been amazing because of you. Don't know what I would do without you. ❤

Is it honestly that bad to have a certain trait which people don't generally have anymore? Is it honestly that annoying to be who you are? Do I HAVE to change, just because you want me to? Why can't I do anything I want to? Because you don't like it, or what? I don't get it. Why the hell should I? There's a reason why I am the way I am, there's a reason why I don't do stuff like most people to do. Call me different, ordianary or whayever, just freaking stop with the whole bashing thing. I am honestly sick and tired of it. I never asked you for your opinion. So what if I talk very little? So what if I prefer to be quiet instead of yelling like a freak ALL the time? So what if I tend to be comfortable with only a few people? I like who I am. Please stop making me hate myself. Maybe, yes, that might even be a flaw, but who the hell cares. Its not like I am here to impress people, they can go say whatever they want.  I think I have been made fun of enough times to make me realize that people are not worth it. They never will be. And you REALLY have to stay away from people who make you feel bad about yourself. Honestly, I don't think I have ever felt worse. Please, leave me alone.

Sudden feelings.

You know, there comes a certain point in life when you realize how shallow people can actually be, and how people are never really there for you. Not at all. And at that point, you feel horrible, terrible and other similar feelings but they'll eventually go away because you know that these people weren't actually people you needed. They'll only make you feel bad about yourself, the way you behave, the way you do certain things, and will occassionally point out your flaws like they're no big deal, but trust me, it hurts. And then you realize, dude, I know most of my flaws, you don't have to remind me.
There is a lot more to say, actually. But I don't know. It seems stupid. But suddenly, I don't want such people in my life anymore, which is surprising because I never thought I would say this. I don't know. Something might happen and I might realise that oh yeah, this was the reason why I liked them in the first place, and I might change my mind, but till then all I can do is nod my head and smile at what they continue to say. Because, hey, that's what you're supposed to do, right?

PS. I just realized what a boring life I have. Damn.
PPS. Happy New Year! Hoping for 2015 to be amazing.

1 am thoughts.

I cannot fathom how easily someone can delete them from their life. Just a click of a button, and goodbye. All those months of happiness, of arguments over absolutely nothing, of laughing till we cried, and crying on things that were pretty pointless. How one could just easily forget all the skype conversations, all whatsapp memories, all the facebook comments. I fail to understand that. How could one forget ditching everyone else and feeling like you two knew each other better than anyone else. How on earth could one forget the feelings of warmth whenever they talked to each other.  How could one forget  the fact  that no matter what anyone said or did, they promised that they would always be together. How could one forget all the flattering paragraphs that gave you chills. How could one say goodbye so easily? I can't do that. I don't have strength to forget everything. And even though it hasn't ever happened with me before, I don't want it too. And if it ever did, I know one thing for sure. I will never ever forgive that someone for breaking my trust and heart together, just over some issue that doesn't  even matter. And I sure as hell don't deserve anyone who after months of  happiness, breaks my heart by asking me to forget them. I would cry, yes. But I would get over it. Because such people don't deserve my tears at all. And I hope that no matter how much we fight, the people I love never bother to leave me, because life won't be the same without them, and I don't want to live a life without them. Simple as that.